Daily jokes
layedoutb2k (chase)
+1y
im constantly getting funny emails at work everyday. so ill share them with you guys. this one goes with what day it is today.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, and says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine , he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, and says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine , he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."
layedoutb2k (chase)
+1y
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."
"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter .... Just gonna be the two of us."
dropped90(justin)
+1y
the second one is ghey. no pun intended.
-justin
-justin
crazymikey
+1y
haha,I like those!
layedoutb2k (chase)
+1y
An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
watch several times in the space of a few minutes.
The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running
late?'
'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just
testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?'
The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!'
The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running
about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink?
slammedyota91
+1y
That one macde me laugh ^^
jester
+1y
So, this baby seal walks into a club.....
layedoutb2k (chase)
+1y
>Patient in Hospital:
>
>"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
>
>"Are my testicles black?"
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here
to
>wash your upper body and feet."
>
>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
>
>Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,
>she
>overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
>raises
>his gown, holds his male organ in one hand and his testicles in the
other,
>lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
>"There's nothing wrong with them Sir."
>
>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly.
>"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...
>
>
>"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
>
>"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
>
>"Are my testicles black?"
>
>Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here
to
>wash your upper body and feet."
>
>He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
>
>Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles,
>she
>overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She
>raises
>his gown, holds his male organ in one hand and his testicles in the
other,
>lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says,
>"There's nothing wrong with them Sir."
>
>The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly.
>"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely...
>
>
>"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
slammedyota91
+1y
crazymikey
+1y
hahahahaha those are all good!