Good for a chuckle...
nytrdr24
+1y
My bud sent me this story / joke, I couldn't quit laughing....
Subject : Fence charger...
The setting.
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years
ago, I woke up one morning with my neighbor's dog in my yard and our
dogs in the neighbor's yard. Seems they both dug under from either
side and met in the middle.
To make sure this never happened again, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, I did it pirate style
and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for I think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the
key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower.
The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that
I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I didn't unplug it.
Now I'm standing there, Ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger
and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It
seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so
close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.
At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go
of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs
out of gas. "F%&#!" I think as I remember I just filled the tank. Now
the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think "Oh
God please die... pleeeeze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam
EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I
actually asked to God to take me. Yes, I'm agnostic, but as we all
know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually
resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher
power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me
there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another
long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking
from my electrically enduced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek
(not the left, the right).
3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad
as you would think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still dont understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and I now always check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.
Subject : Fence charger...
The setting.
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years
ago, I woke up one morning with my neighbor's dog in my yard and our
dogs in the neighbor's yard. Seems they both dug under from either
side and met in the middle.
To make sure this never happened again, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, I did it pirate style
and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply
had, made for I think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long
ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the
key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel
pushmower.
The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that
I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and
reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I didn't unplug it.
Now I'm standing there, Ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the
charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an
upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first
thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my
body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition
firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that fawking Briggs &
Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was
literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger
and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all
leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It
seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so
close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy
turning 8 grand.
At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fencewire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so i cant
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go
of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through
the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking
im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs
out of gas. "F%&#!" I think as I remember I just filled the tank. Now
the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping
run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest I think "Oh
God please die... pleeeeze die". But nooooo, it settles into the rough
lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam
EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I
actually asked to God to take me. Yes, I'm agnostic, but as we all
know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually
resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher
power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me
there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity
had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up
laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of
gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another
long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the
ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in
the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking
from my electrically enduced sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek
(not the left, the right).
3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad
as you would think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because
it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long
8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of
the number 4 (still dont understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things more, and I now always check to make sure
the fence is unplugged before I mow.
lowballin
+1y
Hmmm....
~B~
~B~
H
hocbj23
+1y
That gives a whole new meaning to "Great Balls a Fire".Ye-ouch.BJ
nytrdr24
+1y
Nothin like havin the warm & fuzzies, lol haha!
jester
+1y
Must be nice to have a gameroom!
3day
+1y
That has got to be one of the funniest damn stories I have ever read!
crazymikey
+1y
hahahaha oh man that was funny. Gotta feel sorry for the guy,but seriously,the way he describes it all is just priceless.
jmzcustomz (jeff)
+1y
ROFLMAO I love it. I can soo picture that happening to my old man.
S
snoplow
+1y
that is so hilarious!
dropped90(justin)
+1y
todd confided this story to me a few months ago right when it happened and i didnt say anything. must have confided in another person that thought it was too funny to keep to himself. lol
-justin
-justin