Tazer
nytrdr24
+1y
this is kinda long, and has been around for a couple years, but I still get a heckuva laugh out of it every time I read it, esp since there is a larry's pistol & pawn shop here in huntsville (don't know if it is the only one or not) but the thought that this poor sap is floating around the same town I live in makes me wonder.....
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing
her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get
the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Betty what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking
that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of
a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.
Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad..
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!%!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet,
over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on
fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over
me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,
undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap
yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst
would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-... that hurt like [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot]!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what
little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there???
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles?
I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
slammedyota91
+1y
:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:
jmzcustomz (jeff)
+1y
LMFAO....I friggin laughing out loud at work in an office all by myself. To friggin funny.
thebeaumartin
+1y
thats funny
mazdamn
+1y
I've hit myself with one on my calf, and it was a little tingly, not bad at all, THEN my stupid ass does it to my hand....YOWZER!!!
the more sensitive area, the more damage, LMAO. Those are GREAT!!!
the more sensitive area, the more damage, LMAO. Those are GREAT!!!
mazdamn
+1y
lmao, i think i needa change now..
H
hocbj23
+1y
Damn,man u just destroyed the image I had of u as an intelligent,thoughtful,hard working,God fearing,young man.Sh-e-e-e-i-t.All that just flew out the window along with ur cuhones.Oh ,by the way,we had a UFO sighting up here last nite.Was that ur cuhones sailing up I-75 at about 2500 feet?If so,I imagine they are about 1/2 way to Knoxville by now.Gives an all new meaning to that great Jerry Lee song-"Great Balls o Fire".LMFAO.What a goob of an idea that was.BJ
mazda rx2000
+1y
hahahahaha
jester
+1y
I'm pretty sure i just wet myself!!!
nytrdr24
+1y
I can promise you sir there is no need to change you view of me, the poor sap in the story isn't me , & even if it was, that falls in the catagory of "damn'd if I would have told that!"
I'm an electrician by trade, so I know better than to stick a tazer to my leg
(not to say I haven't been hit @ work by a serious jolt or two in my time), not to mention I'm not old enough to have a 22nd anniversary, well unless I got married when I was 9 which would put me in the same catagory as crazymikey & his wrong number girl j/k lol haha!
lmao, "great balls of fire", I somehow think that would be an understatement, it says something about a one second burst, and then goes from there, the initial jolt probably locked is muscles down so tight that he got upwards of a 5 second jolt or better, which would have deffinately made his ufo's great balls of fire, brings new meaning to hold my beer & watch this!