monday funny

Last in line

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and
everyone inside dies. As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter
Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish
because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is "I
want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.The
second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a
while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down
the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only
ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head
off. Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will
be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again".

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.

"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Redneck Logic
Two Tennessee Rednecks, Bubba and Jim Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Bubba turns to Jim Bob and says, 'You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.' Jim Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Bubba goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Bubba says. 'What's that?'

The dean says, 'I'll show you. Do you own a weedeater?'

'Yeah.'

'Then logically speaking, because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a yard.'

'That's true, I do have a yard.'

'I'm not done,' the dean says. 'Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house.' 'Yes, I do have a house.'

'And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.' 'I have a family.'

'I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.'

'Yes, I do have a wife.'

'And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual.' 'I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater.' Excited to take the class now, Bubba shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Jim Bob at the bar. He tells Jim Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic. 'Logic?' Jim Bob says, 'What's that?'

Bubba says, 'I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?'

'No.'

'Then you're a queer

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damn disregard that one

Billy Bob and Bubba were out in the woods hunting when Billy Bob suddenly grabbed his chest and fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were rolled back in his head.

Bubba whipped out his cell phone and called 911. He gasped to the operator, "I think Billy Bob is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice said, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot.

Bubba's voice came back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

Redneck Heimlich Maneuver
Two rednecks, Ed and Red, walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

A man's wife had a seizure and ended up in a coma.

While in the hospital, the Doctor noticed that when the Nurse was washing the woman's...uh...naughty bits, the monitors showed an increase in brain activity.

This gave the Doc an idea...

He called the Husband and explained what he had witnessed and suggested that maybe some oral sex could help stimulate her brain enough to bring her out of her coma.

Naturally, the Husband felt a little weird about the whole situation, but was willing to help his wife in any way he could, so he agreed to come down to the hospital and give it a whirl.

When he got there, the Doc cleared the woman's room and told the Husband that he was going to close the door, and at that point, he could have at it.

So, the Doc closes the door, and a few minutes pass. Suddenly, the woman's monitors are going crazy, and she flat lines. The Doc comes rushing back in, and to the Husbands horror, he isn't able to resuscitate her.

The Doc turns to the grief stricken Husband and asks him, "What happened?"

"I'm not sure," the Husband replied, "Everything was going just fine until she started choking."