Joke thread.

Instead of a new thread every time someone gets a good email, lets compile them here. I'll start.




After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to
visit Eve.

"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises
and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given
me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly
knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other
parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc..........she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more
"symmetrically balanced", as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first
shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured
that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."


And God reached down, removed the middle breast
and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve
in the Garden of Eden.

"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on
your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a
ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve,
you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a
mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now
let's see........where did I put the useless boob?"

Pfizer Announcement

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to
literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this
a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and
just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them

Black Dude and a White Dude walk into work together one day. The black dude notices that the white guy is always singing or whistling, or just generally in a great mood every morning. So the black dude finally asks him one day, “Hey Man, why are you so happy in the mornings?â€

The husband had just finished reading a new book titled 'You Can Be the
Man of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, 'The fucking funeral director would be my first guess.'

So Campy and Husk a couple of seasoned sheep herders are out in the Montana back country with a new guy mrwilliam. A few days go by and mrwilliam a little lonely asks "being out here so lone without female company, what do you guys do?" Campy says "well we wait for one of the sheep to get his head stuck in the fence and we just, well you know." mrwillaim thinks to himself they are just pulling his leg as he is the new guy. But a few days go by and he just has to much pent up energy. He hears a sheep caught in the fence and proceeds to have his way with it. When he gets done and turns around there are Campy and Husk just rollin on the ground laughing their asses off. He starts a tirade about how cruel of a joke that was and he couldn't believe they did that to him, when Husk cuts him off and says "no you just picked the ugliest one out here."

WHICH HOLE AM I ON?

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course.


Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.


He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.




'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the 6th hole.'




He thanked her and went back to his golf.




On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request.




'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.'




Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.




He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.




He asked the bartender if he knew the lady




The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.




He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help.




I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales, also. What do you sell?'




'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.




'No, I won't.'




'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'




With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool




'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'




'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for




Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!!

hahahahah keep them coming up those where good

A lady sets out one day to buy a parrot. She really wants to get a pet parrot. After spending the day searching pet stores and finding none she has all but given up hope.

She goes into the last pet store and asks the clerk, "do you have any parrots?"

The clerk replies "we only have the one and you don't want it."

She replies "why not".

He says "we've sold it a couple times and they always bring it back, it curses like a sailor."

Really having her heart set on getting a parrot that day she thinks to herself, I can break him of that and tells the clerk "I'll take it anyway."

She takes the parrot home and as soon as she puts him in the cage the parrot starts up "Hey you stupid b*%#@, what the $u@* do you think your doing putting me in the #$% #@$^ cage."

She grabs the parrot and takes him into the kitchen and throws him in the freezer.

5 min pass and she opens the freezer grabs the parrot and asks "you gonna clean up your language?"

The parrot replies "G*& #$*M*& you trying to kill me you f*&*%$ stupid c*##, it's f#%^&# freezing in there.

So she throws the parrot back in and lets in stay for 15 min. As she pulls him out it takes him a couple of min to come out of his cold induced stupor. But as soon as he does "g#$% da@$#% you F@%^^# c$^% you f$#&$$$# b#$%^ your going to kill me."

Back in she throws him, and leaves him for a 1/2 hour. She pulls him out and wags her finger as he thaws and asks "are you ready to quit cursing?'

The parrot humbly says "yes, but can I ask one question?"

She replies "what is that?'

He says "what did the turkey do that was so bad?"

So I'm browsing through the craigslist ads the other day when I come across one "free to good home: talking 4 yr old German Shepard"

I was like wtf, just a gimic to get people to look, but it says in the ad he can talk. I'm looking for a dog anyway. So I email the guy and he assures me the dog can talk. I'm not buying it but like I said I'm looking for a dog and it's actually on my way home from work.

So I make arrangements and stop the next day on my way home. I go in and he says the dogs in the bedroom around the corner. So I walk in and as soon as I do the I hear "hello you hear about me?"

I'm like wtf and look around the room. The dog says "it's me I can talk."

So I ask "how"

He says "I don't know been able to since I was a little pup."

I asked "I'm surprised you didn't end up in the circus or something."

He said "My original owner thought about it but then they realized how easy it was to train me so they taught me how to sniff out drugs and I spent a lot of time in California. Made some of the biggest drug bust ever. But the 9/11 happened and I felt so bad and wanted to help so went to New York and I helped with finding victims in all that rubble. Then the war and I new I could help so we went to Iraq and I saved 1000's of lives by sniffing out land mines and car bombs."

I asked "so what are you doing here?"

He replied "I just so tired of everything it was so depressing, I just decided to move here and retire."

A little confused I went out to talk to the owner and said "He can talk, I can't believe it. Why are you getting rid of him."

The owner looked at me and said "BECAUSE HE'S A BIG LIAR!"