>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
>football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.
>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did
>you expect it to contain? Trout?
>New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde
>teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these
>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
>you're a retard. When you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
>When you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about
>your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.
>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
>this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,
>but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
>some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
>New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
>pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
>bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
>be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
>New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.
>If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low
>fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
>ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge
>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
>selecting 'Debit,' entering my PIN, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount,
>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid
>who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
>New Rule: Girls, just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it
>doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
>translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
>spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
>spiritual. You're just high.
>New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
>sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
>watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
>What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
>called "The Howard Stern Show."
>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
>I'll go nuts and eat two.
>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
>television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
>so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the
>reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea
>wasn't good enough to be a movie.
>New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
>gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.